Graham Stoney http://grahamstoney.com Internet Comedian Mon, 20 May 2013 06:52:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Top 10 Reasons For Guys To Go To Yoga Classhttp://grahamstoney.com/spirituality/top-10-reasons-for-guys-yoga-class http://grahamstoney.com/spirituality/top-10-reasons-for-guys-yoga-class#comments Wed, 08 May 2013 01:10:52 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=839

I found myself in a yoga class by accident last weekend. You may wonder how this is even possible, but it happens to me more often than you might think. In fact, I find myself doing unexpected yoga so often that I keep a yoga mat permanently rolled up in my car precisely for such emergencies.

Not that I'm complaining or anything. Yoga is great for the body and an excellent way to quieten my restless mind. All that stretching is awesome for my flexibility, and the breathing practise helps calm my nervous system.

Yoga practise offers a myriad of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits. So as I looked around the room in between Warrior Two and Child pose, I couldn't help but mentally assemble my Top 10 Reasons For Guys To Go To Yoga Class:

Naked Yoga Girl 300x284 Top 10 Reasons For Guys To Go To Yoga Class

Most of the girls at Yoga wear slightly more than this.

10. … Continue reading…

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I found myself in a yoga class by accident last weekend. You may wonder how this is even possible, but it happens to me more often than you might think. In fact, I find myself doing unexpected yoga so often that I keep a yoga mat permanently rolled up in my car precisely for such emergencies.

Not that I'm complaining or anything. Yoga is great for the body and an excellent way to quieten my restless mind. All that stretching is awesome for my flexibility, and the breathing practise helps calm my nervous system.

Yoga practise offers a myriad of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits. So as I looked around the room in between Warrior Two and Child pose, I couldn't help but mentally assemble my Top 10 Reasons For Guys To Go To Yoga Class:

Naked Yoga Girl 300x284 Top 10 Reasons For Guys To Go To Yoga Class

Most of the girls at Yoga wear slightly more than this.

10. There are ten times as many girls as guys

9. The girl:guy ratio is 10:1

8. For every guy, there are ten girls

7. The women outnumber the men by ten to one

6. Every guy is surrounded by ten girls

5. Ten girls for every boy

4. There are only a tenth as many men as women

3. Girls/Guys ≈ 10

2. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Boy Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl

1. Downward Facing Dog

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12 Signs You're Addicted To 12-Step Meetingshttp://grahamstoney.com/spirituality/12-signs-youre-addicted-12-step-meetings http://grahamstoney.com/spirituality/12-signs-youre-addicted-12-step-meetings#comments Thu, 18 Apr 2013 01:36:11 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=821

A lot of my friends tell me that they're struggling with addictions of various sorts. Some of them describe themselves as “sex addicts”, and a surprising number of those are female. Of course, I never meet them until they're already “in recovery”, do I?

12StepRoulette 12 Signs Youre Addicted To 12 Step Meetings

Play 12-Step Roulette. Pick a group, and go!

Everyone else I meet seems to be either alcoholic or codependent. They don't have time to hang out with me because they're always too busy “going to a meeting”.

So just to prove that I'm not bitter or anything, here are 12 signs that you're addicted to 12-Step meetings:

  1. You decided to stop attending 12-Step meetings for a week, but only lasted a couple of days
  2. You wish people would mind their own business about the meetings you go to, and stop telling you what to do
  3. You've switched from one 12-Step group to another in the hope
  4. Continue reading…

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A lot of my friends tell me that they're struggling with addictions of various sorts. Some of them describe themselves as “sex addicts”, and a surprising number of those are female. Of course, I never meet them until they're already “in recovery”, do I?

12StepRoulette 12 Signs Youre Addicted To 12 Step Meetings

Play 12-Step Roulette. Pick a group, and go!

Everyone else I meet seems to be either alcoholic or codependent. They don't have time to hang out with me because they're always too busy “going to a meeting”.

So just to prove that I'm not bitter or anything, here are 12 signs that you're addicted to 12-Step meetings:

  1. You decided to stop attending 12-Step meetings for a week, but only lasted a couple of days
  2. You wish people would mind their own business about the meetings you go to, and stop telling you what to do
  3. You've switched from one 12-Step group to another in the hope that this would keep you sane
  4. You find you have to attend an “eye-opener” meeting early each morning just to get kick-started for the day
  5. You envy other people who can go to 12-Step meetings without getting into trouble
  6. You've had problems connected with excessive 12-Step meetings during the past year
  7. Attending too many 12-Step meetings has caused you trouble at home
  8. You find yourself meeting other 12-Step group members at parties because you just don't ever get enough
  9. You tell yourself you can stop attending 12-Step meetings at any time, even though you keep going when you don't mean to
  10. You've missed days of work or school because of 12-Step meetings
  11. You have “blackouts”: extended periods you can't account for, during which other 12-Step group members tell you they saw you in meetings
  12. You feel that your life would be better if you weren't spending all your fucking time in 12-Step meetings

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What To Do When You Don't Know What To Dohttp://grahamstoney.com/life-coaching/what-when-you-dont-know-what http://grahamstoney.com/life-coaching/what-when-you-dont-know-what#comments Wed, 17 Apr 2013 02:37:48 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=814

Not sure what to do with your life? Or do you have a grand vision for your future but don't know where to start? Stressed out because the way forward isn't always clear?

man question mark1 What To Do When You Dont Know What To Do

Confused?... Me too!

Yeah well some days I wake up with no clue what to do either. These tips haven't worked a damn for me, but I'm sure you'll find them helpful:

Move Your Body

That brilliant mind of yours doesn't exist in isolation you know. It's connected to your body via a network of 100 billion neurons, so if you need some mental stimulation there's no easier way to get it than getting that body moving. Go for a walk, ride your bike, lift some weights or go to the gym. Get some endorphins flowing through your system and you never know what ideas might pop into your head.

Do Some Brainstorming

Sit down and start … Continue reading…

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Not sure what to do with your life? Or do you have a grand vision for your future but don't know where to start? Stressed out because the way forward isn't always clear?

man question mark1 What To Do When You Dont Know What To Do

Confused?... Me too!

Yeah well some days I wake up with no clue what to do either. These tips haven't worked a damn for me, but I'm sure you'll find them helpful:

Move Your Body

That brilliant mind of yours doesn't exist in isolation you know. It's connected to your body via a network of 100 billion neurons, so if you need some mental stimulation there's no easier way to get it than getting that body moving. Go for a walk, ride your bike, lift some weights or go to the gym. Get some endorphins flowing through your system and you never know what ideas might pop into your head.

Do Some Brainstorming

Sit down and start brainstorming random ideas: make a list of a thousand things you wouldn't do in a million years. Whatever comes into your head. Don't judge them, just write them down stream-of-consciousness style. Just let it flow:

  • Learn sign language
  • Visit a nudist resort
  • Quit my job
  • Learn to play guitar
  • Become a comedian
  • etc, etc

You may not come up with any sensible ideas, and even if you do you'll have so many options to choose from that you won't know where to start and will be more confused than ever. But at least you'll have filled in the day doing something.

Phone A Friend

Try calling one of your no-good down-and-out friends who hasn't a clue what he's doing with his life either. You won't get any good ideas from him obviously, but at least you'll have someone empathic to listen to your whining about how shit your life is because you can't decide what to do with it. Then try phoning Oxfam and donating some of your spare cash to help someone who'd swap their life for yours in a heartbeat, you lousy ungrateful SOB.

Try Something You Loved As A Kid

Childhood hobbies can be a rich source of adult inspiration. Have a go at riding your bicycle, pulling girls hair, or looking at your friend's dad's collection of naked girly pictures. Come to think of it, there's more than enough porn out there on the Internet to keep you busy all day, every day; and since the Internet wasn't invented when you were a kid you've got a lot of catching up to do before you reach the level of today's average teenager.

Make Something

Get your creative juices going and try making something. Build something out of wood, metal or electrons. Start a blog. Or a porn site: Get some repressed ex-Catholic girls with low self-esteem and a video camera, you'll hit the big time in no time. Why waste time and money funding criminals when you can shoot your own?

The Washing

One reliable constant in life is that there's always washing to do, so if you're just not sure what to do this is as good a start as any. And if by some freak of nature you don't seem to have any washing to do, there's plenty around at my place that you can come and help out with.

Meditate

Try doing a stillness meditation: just sit completely still in a chair doing nothing for 15 minutes. Don't focus on your breath or watch your thoughts fly by like clouds or anything; just do absolutely nothing. If this doesn't drive your restless ass insane and prompt you to take action, I don't know what will.

Give Someone Else Advice

So what if you can't seem to make your own life work: try helping someone else. Become a Life Coach. Write articles on your blog giving unsolicited advice to all and sundry. Make shit up. It doesn't matter if you're completely unqualified in the field. Just do it, they're not going to know the difference.

Lie In Bed Worrying About It

My favourite! If you really can't decide what to do today, you could try just lying in bed all day worrying about it. This way you'll avoid taking any action at all, meaning you're in exactly the same position tomorrow and get to do it all over again.

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How To Stay Safe In An Earthquakehttp://grahamstoney.com/life-coaching/how-stay-safe-earthquake http://grahamstoney.com/life-coaching/how-stay-safe-earthquake#comments Sun, 10 Mar 2013 21:28:40 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=795

The folks in Japan are basically living in the earthquake capital of the world, what with being perched atop the pacific rim of fire and all. So you'd expect them to know a thing or two about surviving earthquakes. And you'd be right. So today's life-saving tip on how to stay safe in an earthquake comes courtesy of the safety instructions that came with my Japanese-manufactured drum kit:

This post How To Stay Safe In An Earthquake is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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The folks in Japan are basically living in the earthquake capital of the world, what with being perched atop the pacific rim of fire and all. So you'd expect them to know a thing or two about surviving earthquakes. And you'd be right. So today's life-saving tip on how to stay safe in an earthquake comes courtesy of the safety instructions that came with my Japanese-manufactured drum kit:

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My Big Toe needs YOUR Help!http://grahamstoney.com/drama/big-toe-needs-your-help http://grahamstoney.com/drama/big-toe-needs-your-help#comments Sat, 09 Mar 2013 10:16:10 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=791

Ok film lovers, it's action time!

My Big Toe has hit IMDB. In order to keep it there, we need some reviews.

If you haven't seen the epic saga yet, check it out here on YouTube.

Then, visit the IMDB page for My Big Toe by clicking here. Give it the star rating it deserves. (That'll be 10/10 of course). Add a glowing review. Start a discussion in the message boards. Go crazy...

This post My Big Toe needs YOUR Help! is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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Ok film lovers, it's action time!

My Big Toe has hit IMDB. In order to keep it there, we need some reviews.

If you haven't seen the epic saga yet, check it out here on YouTube.

Then, visit the IMDB page for My Big Toe by clicking here. Give it the star rating it deserves. (That'll be 10/10 of course). Add a glowing review. Start a discussion in the message boards. Go crazy...

This post My Big Toe needs YOUR Help! is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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Hypnotic Prosperity Meditation For Making Lots Of Moneyhttp://grahamstoney.com/mindset/hypnotic-prosperity-meditation-for-making-lots-money http://grahamstoney.com/mindset/hypnotic-prosperity-meditation-for-making-lots-money#comments Wed, 06 Mar 2013 22:27:58 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=778

If you want to generate loads of money quickly, it's very important to have the right mindset. All too often we've been taught negative beliefs around money right from early childhood. Our subconscious has been programmed with a scarcity mentality that causes us to repel wealth and prosperity; even though consciously we'd much rather be rolling in money like a pig in mud than struggling with financial poverty.

Dollar Sign Hypnotic Prosperity Meditation For Making Lots Of Money

Think Abundance, Not Scarcity

Think abundance, not scarcity.

Yet the scarcity mentality is incredibly pervasive in our society and can have a strong hold over us, so it takes some effort to break. Since the blockage is subconscious, the best way to address it is via hypnosis. It's a powerful technique for relaxing the conscious mind so that the subconscious can be directed to act in the manner that will be most effective for generating a lot of money; instead of constantly … Continue reading…

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If you want to generate loads of money quickly, it's very important to have the right mindset. All too often we've been taught negative beliefs around money right from early childhood. Our subconscious has been programmed with a scarcity mentality that causes us to repel wealth and prosperity; even though consciously we'd much rather be rolling in money like a pig in mud than struggling with financial poverty.

Dollar Sign Hypnotic Prosperity Meditation For Making Lots Of Money

Think Abundance, Not Scarcity

Think abundance, not scarcity.

Yet the scarcity mentality is incredibly pervasive in our society and can have a strong hold over us, so it takes some effort to break. Since the blockage is subconscious, the best way to address it is via hypnosis. It's a powerful technique for relaxing the conscious mind so that the subconscious can be directed to act in the manner that will be most effective for generating a lot of money; instead of constantly sabotaging your attempts to build wealth.

Luckily, I'm here to help. I've put together a free hypnotic prosperity meditation designed to help assist you in dealing with the subconscious blockages that are stopping you from contributing to a large personal financial windfall.

Note that you may encounter some resistance from your conscious mind during the meditation. In order to break through your scarcity mentality, it is imperative that you overcome any mental resistance that arises. You must break old patterns of behaviour and take the new action that your subconscious is learning that will generate wealth and prosperity.

If you feel resistance arising or think “I'm not doing that!”, remind yourself that's just the scarcity mentality talking. Relaxing the conscious mind, dropping your old judgements and taking action is key.

The meditation goes for about 14 minutes. So set some time aside to relax, chill out, and enjoy this free hypnotic prosperity meditation: icon smile Hypnotic Prosperity Meditation For Making Lots Of Money

Play it here: /wp-content/uploads/2013/03/GrahamStoney_HypnoticProsperityMeditation.mp3

Download link: Graham Stoney: Hypnotic Prosperity Meditation

PS: My PayPal address is the same as my email address, should you feel led to contribute...

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How To Start Your Own Religionhttp://grahamstoney.com/religion/how-start-your-own-religion http://grahamstoney.com/religion/how-start-your-own-religion#comments Tue, 05 Mar 2013 23:53:44 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=770

I don't know about you, but personally I can't think of any better way to stroke your own ego than starting your very own religion and amassing millions of devoted followers. Well, as long as it's a successful religion that is; obviously there's no point starting a religion that doesn't outlast your own mortal lifespan. For a truly enduring sense of self-importance you want your followers to continue worshipping you for at least a couple of millennia and that's going to be difficult if you don't have any by the time you die.

Clearly the mythology surrounding Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed make them difficult role models to emulate, but if a B-grade science fiction writer can start his own religion in our own life times then you can do it too. So here are my tips on how to start your own successful religion:

Endow Yourself With Divinity

600px Religious symbols.svg How To Start Your Own Religion

Having an

Continue reading…

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I don't know about you, but personally I can't think of any better way to stroke your own ego than starting your very own religion and amassing millions of devoted followers. Well, as long as it's a successful religion that is; obviously there's no point starting a religion that doesn't outlast your own mortal lifespan. For a truly enduring sense of self-importance you want your followers to continue worshipping you for at least a couple of millennia and that's going to be difficult if you don't have any by the time you die.

Clearly the mythology surrounding Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed make them difficult role models to emulate, but if a B-grade science fiction writer can start his own religion in our own life times then you can do it too. So here are my tips on how to start your own successful religion:

Endow Yourself With Divinity

600px Religious symbols.svg How To Start Your Own Religion

Having an easily recognizable icon to brand your religion will help too.

Nobody argues with God. Well, nobody that you need to worry about anyway. So if you want to start a religion, you need to claim some divinity for yourself. The simplest way to do this is to just outright claim to be the messiah from some ancient religion; but many have tried this and failed. A more effective way is to make ambiguous statements like “I am who I am”, and let your followers fill in the blanks. They'll feel very smart for having worked out that you're divine before everyone else, and will spend the rest of their lives spreading your gospel for you thus saving you a great deal of time and effort.

Claiming divine inspiration is important so that when you are questioned by the unbelievers down the track you have something to fall back on. Stories of archangels can come in handy for this, and stone tablets engraved with divine teachings have paved the way before you for centuries. More recently, golden tablets have come into vogue. Never mind that the alleged tablets always go missing; that just adds to the intrigue that helps keep your new belief system alive.

Create A Believable Doctrine

In philosophy, an idea needs to be logical in order to survive. In science, it needs to be testable. But in religion, it only needs to be believable; and the minimum standard required for that is considerably lower than you might first think. Remember to offer your new believers something of immediate value that humans crave, such as a sense of community and a way of dealing with their more troubling emotions.

Keep your kookiest ideas for your privileged inner circle. Once your believers are hooked into your mindset of unlimited possibility, eternal life and the potential for relief from their mental suffering, you can leave it until say level 4 to tell them that the earth was in fact populated by aliens from an exploding volcano.

Your doctrine doesn't need to make logical sense; it just needs to be believable. In fact, too much logical sense can destroy the mind-fracturing hypnotic trance you want your believers in. You want some inconsistency in your doctrine in order to keep theologians speculating and arguing over for centuries to come.

Maintain An Air Of Mystery

People are fascinated by mystery. They want to know. They want answers. Once they have them though, they stop asking questions. Or rather, they'll stop asking you. If you want your new religion to flourish you need to provide just enough facts to hook your believers in, but maintain an air of mystery that keeps them curious so they have to keep coming back for more. If you start pointing out too early in the piece basic facts like that the meaning of your life is whatever you choose it to be, or that so-called spiritual experiences are really just intense emotional reactions in our subconscious, you'll just ruin it for everybody.

Most people have no idea how their own mind works, and by maintaining an air of mystery you can use this to your advantage. Remember that 50% of people have a below-average I.Q., and that even an average I.Q. is... well... pretty average. Modern man is even less well educated when it comes to dealing with their emotions, which are the thing that cause us the most suffering. Offer almost any kind of relief from fear and grief, and they'll come running.

Offer Something Your Followers Will Value

Your doctrine needs to make your followers feel some kind of benefit in following you while also maintaining your permanent position at the top of the pecking order. Humans are emotional beings constantly in search of safety to assuage our anxiety about dying. Your doctrine should incorporate elements that help deal with this primal fear.

Time-honoured approaches to this include an afterlife or some form or reincarnation. These are ideal hooks on which to hang your view of morality by tying it to eternal judgement after death if your followers don't do what you tell them during this lifetime. Obviously nobody can really prove what happens to our soul after we die, which means you can make up whatever shit you like.

I can't stress enough that the belief system you are teaching doesn't need to be logical so long as it offers something of value. Despite hundreds of years of western science, we still respond to new ideas emotionally and then back rationalise with our own internal logic. Emotion always beats logic like rock beats scissors. Plenty of existing religions contain contradictory ideas which the faithful happily swallow, because of the other benefits the religion offers and the fact that they are often indoctrinated into it before they were old enough to realise that it's obviously bullshit.

Get Yourself Some Disciples

Obviously in order to have followers spread your message for you, you're going to need to have some. Getting yourself disciples is easier than you think as there are plenty of people desperate to escape their tedious, mundane lives to choose from.

If you can pepper your teachings with some simple practical wisdom like “Be nice to other people, and they'll be nice to you” then you'll attract a bunch of people who will be grateful for all you've done to improve their lives. Point out to them that you are the one true path to enlightenment, and they'll be yours forever.

Once you've achieved sufficient critical mass, even smart people with low self-esteem will begin following out of sheer peer pressure. Eventually a government will form that takes on your ideas and encourage the rest of the masses to follow suit with draconian laws based on your teachings. Finally you'll be home and hosed once an army or two launch a few crusades/jihads to impose your belief system on everyone else, backed with a moral justification for the reckless murdering and greedy pillaging of all those who don't immediately recognise your divinity when faced with a lethal weapon.

Start Your Own Community

A few disciples are a good start, but you'll need a whole community of people to promote your new-found wisdom to the world, with you as their guru. Communities are great because people naturally gravitate towards them. We evolved in small tribes no bigger than a hundred or so, so modern life forces people to group into smaller groupings where we feel safe. It helps give people a sense of us-and-them that's important for feeling that we belong.

To use this to your advantage, you need to start a hierarchical community of your own that you can be the leader of. Endow your disciples with leadership responsibilities, and they'll remain loyal to you as long as you keep stoking their self-esteem by privately pointing out that they're better than all those plebs below them. Include some abstinence-based teaching that keeps your leadership hierarchy eternally restless and before long you'll be making the Catholic church look like Lord of the Flies.

Declare Any Dissent Blasphemous

Religious ideas hold a special pride of place in believers hearts and we've often been taught that we should respect other people's cherished beliefs no matter how ludicrous they may be. You can capitalise on this and reinforce it by declaring any dissent from your teachings to be blasphemous.

Somehow the mere fact that someone believes some crazy shit means that everyone else should at least treat that shit with respect. This will cover a multitude of sins on your part if you use it to your advantage. Punishments like stoning to death, burning at the stake, social ostracism via excommunication and more recently litigation have all been used by religions through the ages to deal with the sin of blasphemy by their detractors. This helps keep the faithful too frightened to speak up for themselves, and permanently angry with those who choose not to follow your teachings as a prophet.

If you declare that you are above insult and criticism, your followers will run riot killing anyone who speaks against you, for insulting their prophet. You might think that if your followers can't handle the thought of you being insulted then their faith in you must be pretty insecure; but don't worry, history shows that this will never occur to them.

Once the faithful are indoctrinated with an appropriate sense of self-righteousness over the idea that they are following the one true religion, the natural human tendency to avoid admitting to ourselves that we've been taken for a ride will keep your fancy new belief system rolling along for generations to come.

Teach Your Ideas To Children

Young children have fertile imaginations largely because their brains haven't developed sufficiently for them to have strong powers of reason and a good grasp on reality yet. This makes them the ideal planting ground for your wacky new ideas. Once indoctrinated as children, it's very difficult for adults to completely divorce themselves from the ideas they heard when they were too young to know any better.

As adults your followers will even argue in favour of beliefs that you taught them as children, having completely forgotten that they weren't endowed with these ideas directly from God himself. Instead, they'll think they came up with them through their own volition. Promote your ideas under the guise of religious education and you'll be able to get away with all sorts of mental and spiritual abuse that would otherwise land you in jail.

Avoid Being Martyred Too Early

Although martyrdom has been a successful route to social immortality for many religious leaders, you want to think very carefully before following this well trodden path. A lot of martyrs end up forgotten altogether and even the successful ones don't get to enjoy the full fruits of their labours. Before you fall for your own bullshit remember that like all other religious belief systems, yours is completely made up.

Once you've martyred yourself you'll be out of the picture entirely and you won't get to enjoy the lasting satisfaction which comes from being a household deity. Stories of your imminent return may keep your followers faithful and eager for centuries, but it won't help you any. If you must die for your cause, try to leave it until old age was just about to take you out anyway.

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2013 Oscars Stub My Big Toehttp://grahamstoney.com/drama/2013-oscars-stub-big-toe http://grahamstoney.com/drama/2013-oscars-stub-big-toe#comments Sun, 03 Mar 2013 22:01:50 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=757

In a huge shock to legitimate movie fans worldwide, the epic blockbuster My Big Toe was completely snubbed by its peers as it failed to win a single Oscar at this year's 85th Motion Picture Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood.

220px Oscar statuette 2013 Oscars Stub My Big Toe

My Big Toe failed to win any of these

The epic saga, which depicts the heroic story of one man's quest to save the universe and gain enlightenment, had been expected to clean sweep the Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Director, Best Script, Best Music, and the coveted Best Anatomically Correct Feature film categories. The obligatory making-of documentary Inside My Big Toe: The Making of a Masterpiece had also been expected to pick up the Oscar for Best Documentary.

Editors of My Big Toe had already acknowledged that it was “rather unlikely” that the film would win Best Actress category after all scenes involving the leading … Continue reading…

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In a huge shock to legitimate movie fans worldwide, the epic blockbuster My Big Toe was completely snubbed by its peers as it failed to win a single Oscar at this year's 85th Motion Picture Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood.

220px Oscar statuette 2013 Oscars Stub My Big Toe

My Big Toe failed to win any of these

The epic saga, which depicts the heroic story of one man's quest to save the universe and gain enlightenment, had been expected to clean sweep the Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Director, Best Script, Best Music, and the coveted Best Anatomically Correct Feature film categories. The obligatory making-of documentary Inside My Big Toe: The Making of a Masterpiece had also been expected to pick up the Oscar for Best Documentary.

Editors of My Big Toe had already acknowledged that it was “rather unlikely” that the film would win Best Actress category after all scenes involving the leading lady ended up being cut in post-production. Officially it has been stated that this was due to a “contractual dispute” between her and the film's male star regarding the love scene which had been central to the original plot of the epic saga. However, sources close to the production team suggest that it may have been complicated due to romantic involvement between the two off-set which turned sour. Apparently, some feelings got hurt along the way. “That's the price you pay for being an artist”, said star Graham Stoney.

Fans of the film are said to be disillusioned and reeling from the news of the shock loss. For instance, raving fan Sarah Cohen was completely speechless and could give no comment for this article, primarily because we didn't even bother to contact her for one.

“Don't they know quality when they see it?”, said one movie fan outside the ceremony, “If they want to give awards to bullshit, I'll give them bullshit”, he continued while staining the red carpet with a pile of fresh manure.

It's understood that the production team behind My Big Toe are now in lock-down, deciding how to proceed with future productions in order to ensure such a devastating loss doesn't get repeated in the future. When approached for comment on losing the world's most prestigious movie competition, a tearful producer/director Graham Stoney could say only: “I'm not surprised... We forgot to enter.”

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How To Play Drumshttp://grahamstoney.com/music/how-play-drums http://grahamstoney.com/music/how-play-drums#comments Thu, 28 Feb 2013 23:03:39 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=751

I've been learning to play drums lately, and I really love it! It's actually very easy, and I picked up the basic concept almost immediately. So I've made this video that will help teach you how to play drums and show you just how much fun it can be:

Happy drumming!

This post How To Play Drums is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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I've been learning to play drums lately, and I really love it! It's actually very easy, and I picked up the basic concept almost immediately. So I've made this video that will help teach you how to play drums and show you just how much fun it can be:

Happy drumming!

This post How To Play Drums is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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How To Be Unhappyhttp://grahamstoney.com/emotions/how-unhappy http://grahamstoney.com/emotions/how-unhappy#comments Wed, 27 Feb 2013 23:47:33 +0000 Graham http://grahamstoney.com/?p=741

There are a lot of happy people in the world today. Sure, we all have difficulties now and then, but for the most part we live at a time when we have more opportunity, greater personal safety and a longer life expectancy than any time in history. So many of us have the potential to be quite happy.

Smiley How To Be Unhappy

Learn To Turn This...

This is a big problem for advertisers and companies marketing products at us that we don't really need. Most advertising targets areas of dissatisfaction in our lives, suggesting that we fill the void or distract ourselves from our pain by purchasing products of little intrinsic value. The happier we are, the harder advertisers have to work to convince us that we need that new car, can of cola, or aftershave in order to attract the people we want into our lives. And major pharmaceutical manufacturers would go out … Continue reading…

This post How To Be Unhappy is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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There are a lot of happy people in the world today. Sure, we all have difficulties now and then, but for the most part we live at a time when we have more opportunity, greater personal safety and a longer life expectancy than any time in history. So many of us have the potential to be quite happy.

Smiley How To Be Unhappy

Learn To Turn This...

This is a big problem for advertisers and companies marketing products at us that we don't really need. Most advertising targets areas of dissatisfaction in our lives, suggesting that we fill the void or distract ourselves from our pain by purchasing products of little intrinsic value. The happier we are, the harder advertisers have to work to convince us that we need that new car, can of cola, or aftershave in order to attract the people we want into our lives. And major pharmaceutical manufacturers would go out of business if we all felt happy and didn't need to rely on the latest round of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. Wealthy shareholders are suffering as a result.

To help address these problems, here are my tips on How to be Unhappy:

Take Everyone And Everything For Granted

Frowny How To Be Unhappy

... Into This.

Try to overlook all the good things that you have in your life, and take them for granted. Especially the people who love you, like your parents, siblings, partner, children, cousins, relatives, friends and lovers. Pretend that their love really doesn't matter and that what you really need in order to be happy is the love of some complete stranger who doesn't give a damn about you.

Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to feel, express or show gratitude for anyone or anything that is in your life. Remind yourself of everything that you feel you lack, rather than feeling any appreciation for the good things in your life. Practise the feelings of neediness and desperation on a daily basis.

Isolate Yourself Physically And Emotionally

Try to stay as emotionally detached from your fellow human beings as possible. Start with physical isolation wherever possible. Don't talk to people who live close to you, especially not your neighbours. Pretend that you are an island who can exist without the company of other people and spend as much time as you can disconnected from the rest of humanity. Fill your head with Internet porn, or pretend to be connected to others via Facebook or Twitter without having to experience the joy of their actual company.

When your loneliness unavoidably forces you to commune with other people, remain emotionally isolated by withholding your feelings. Never allow anyone else's feelings to affect you either. Especially ensure you never allow anyone else to love you. When love does come your way, just don't let it in. This will ensure that your feelings of bitterness and resentment grow to the point where you can no longer withhold them, and you'll find yourself spontaneously repelling other people. At this point, further emotional isolation will become automatic.

Shut Yourself Down Emotionally

In order to maximise your personal unhappiness, it's imperative that you shut down and internalise your emotions as much as possible. Learning to withhold emotionally from other people is just the first step. Ideally you want to push all your emotions down as far as possible so that you feel as numb as possible. Use the presence of unpleasant emotions to justify bottling up everything, especially happiness, peace and joy. Adopt an analytical career so you can be divorced from your feelings consistently for at least 8 hours a day. Then keep chasing the next high while building a pressure-cooker of repressed feelings on the boil at all times.

Lead by example and teach the rest of your family and friends to bottle up their feelings too. This will allow the people around you to become unhappy, which will help support your own feelings of unhappiness. Do whatever it takes to avoid expressing your true feelings to other people. Always keep your emotions to yourself. This will allow feelings of boredom, listlessness, restlessness and anxiety to fester deep within you, providing the rich market that antidepressant manufacturers are relying on for their well-being. Avoid natural feel-good activities like exercise, socialising and having fun. Ask the government to help pitch in and fund your misery.

Blame Everyone Else

Make yourself a victim and a martyr for the cause. Under no circumstances should you alter your lifestyle or take responsibility for your own unhappiness. Always find someone else to blame for your problems. Fill your head with fear, uncertainty and doubt. Current affairs programs are a rich source of fear, uncertainty and doubt; so watch them religiously.

No matter what bad things happen to you, always find someone else to blame. Allow yourself to indulge in a deep sense of self-righteousness in order to avoid any feelings of vulnerability. Make other people wrong whenever possible. Never allow yourself to grieve for the inevitable losses you experience in life and continue to make other people around you miserable by carrying that pain and resentment against them indefinitely. Instead of forgiving, make them play a fun guessing game by using the silent treatment on them so they know something is wrong, but not what it is or how to resolve it. Make other people feel as powerless as you do.

Take Bad Things Personally

Remember to take anything that generates unpleasant feeling in you personally. Make it about you. Your homeland gets invaded? Take it as a personal insult. Someone insults your prophet? Get angry. Kids not doing well at school? That reflects on you. Can't find a partner? Your fault, clearly. Learn how to blame yourself when bad things happen, but do it in a way which just makes you feel bad without actually taking responsibility for anything. This will ensure that you end up maximising your feelings of pain and powerlessness. Dwell on what isn't working in your life and what a bad person you must be in order for these situations to have persisted for so long.

On the flip side, when good things happen to you, attribute them to external forces beyond your control. Make it about someone or something other than you, so you don't fall into the trap of feeling powerful. Pretend that you have no control over your own life. Use religion to help if necessary: give thanks to God when good things happen, but blame yourself when the shit hits the fan.

Set Unrealistically High Personal Standards

Adopting an attitude of perfectionism will help keep you miserable indefinitely since no matter who you are or what you do, you will never be good enough. Judge yourself by an unrealistically high personal standard based on comparing yourself to the best qualities in the most successful, highest achieving people in the whole world. Let yourself down on a daily basis for not measuring up to this impossible standard. Develop an inner critic that tears yourself to pieces every time you get anything remotely wrong. Criticise in your head everything from the way you breathe to the clothes you wear to the people you hang out with. Critique others in your head too, as harshly as possible.

Keep overlooking all the good things in your life and avoid taking credit for anything positive that you have achieved. Pretend that none of these things are good enough for you. Judge other people by similarly unreachable standards so that nobody else around you gets to feel good about themselves either. When you do choose to compliment yourself or someone else, make sure it's insincere. Remind yourself how much people suck, and that you suck the most.

Give Up Things You Enjoy

Apply such a strict moral code that anything that you could possibly enjoy becomes illicit. Declare meat-eaters murderers and restrict yourself to bland vegetables. Wean yourself off animal products altogether and go level 5 vegan. Deliberately deprive yourself of enjoyable foods with essential nutrients, and feel self-righteous about it. Make arbitrary rules about what is and isn't OK, and keep restricting the rules any time you find yourself enjoying something. Declare consensual sex to be dirty and wrong. Adopt spiritual practices that leave you feeling permanently dissatisfied, and then work at them even harder in a constant attempt to address the balance.

For instance, take a practise that is helpful in moderation like meditation, and then make it so onerous, uncomfortable and demanding that it becomes a chore. Then meditate even more to try and overcome the discomfort. Or declare yourself an addict and join a 12-step group which forces abstinence from human intimacy on you. Become addicted to the group. Never allow yourself any “guilty pleasure”; just allow yourself the guilt, not the pleasure. Tell other people they're addicts too whenever they express desire or delight in anything. Keep telling yourself how bad you are for your natural human needs, and do whatever you can to avoid meeting them.

Bury Yourself in Guilt, Fear and Shame

Find a religion, cult or church that instils guilt and shame in you, and join them. Allow religious hierarchies to control your life and dictate your personal moral code. Make sure that this moral code defines things that you enjoy along with normal human emotions and drives as sinful. Adopt the belief that being imperfect (i.e. a sinner) leads to an eternity of damnation after death to ensure that you feel as anxious as possible about trying to be perfect while you remain alive.

Pretend that there are powerful evil forces in the world working against you, and use names like Satan and The Devil to personify them. Hang out with other people who pretend that there is a cosmic battle between good and evil. Join the “good” side, while lamenting all the people who aren't exactly like you and declaring them evil. Use biblical quotes like “Those who aren't for us are against us” to justify condemning anyone who doesn't share your views. Teach all this to your children too on the assumption that you know best. Get really upset if they question or reject your religion, even if it's not really working for you.

Alternatively, adopt a philosophy like “life is suffering”, and go live by it. Be attached to the idea of suffering, while seeking non-attachment. Find others who feel the same way and commune with them as often as possible.

This post How To Be Unhappy is from Graham Stoney - Internet Comedian.

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