Fifty Things I Learned About Women From Fifty Shades Of Grey

My previous work as a Confidence Coach helping men to relate better to women required me to keep my fingers abreast of the ever-changing world of the modern female psyche. With this in mind, I recently read the phenomenally successful Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Why “Fifty Shades”, anyway?

Literary critics have been quite scathing about the quality of the writing in the book, but to me that’s a bit like criticising the cinematography in Debbie Does Dallas.

While the depiction of the female anti-hero in the book may not represent or be typical of many modern women, it has clearly struck a nerve of some kind given it’s legendary best-seller status amongst its mostly-female readership.

However, it is a bit of a tedious read if you happen to be a man. So, to save my fellow men from having to thumb their way through 514 pages of mommy porn, here are Fifty Things I Learned About Women From Fifty Shades Of Grey:

1. They can’t resist the charms of handsome, emotionally unavailable, wealthy industrialists; no matter how badly they are treated.
2. Their inner dialogue is littered with exclamations like “Holy crap!”, “Holy shit!” and “Holy fuck!”
3. Their subconscious has taken over from their mothers in the role of Inner Critic.
4. Their Inner Goddess is excited and attracted to anything sexual, no matter how depraved or demeaning.
5. “Just Fucked” is a thing.
6. “My sex” is the anatomically correct term for a vulva.
7. It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.
8. They’re really bored.
9. They’re really bored.
10. They’re really bored.
11. They’re really bored.
12. They’re really bored.
13. They’re really bored.
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15. They’re really bored.
16. They’re really bored.
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18. They’re really bored.
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50. They’re really bored.

And now, I suspect, so are you.