Wife Swap

I love the TV show Wife Swap. If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that they get two families from middle America who volunteer to have their wives swap places for two weeks. During the first week, both families run by the usual rules so the “new wife” can learn how they normally operate; but in the second week, the new wife gets to make whatever rule changes they want. Each family volunteers on the basis that they agree to abide by whatever rules the new wife chooses to set.

Invariably the producers choose two families at the opposite ends of some spectrum, be it religious, political, economic, traditional/progressive, or whatever. Today’s episode featured a real estate executive who was always on the phone and had no time for her kids, swapping places with a suffocating obsessive-compulsive stay-at-home Mom who home-schooled and controlled her whole family.

I always seem to find the husband’s reactions remarkable. They must know in advance that there will be rule changes, and anyone who has watched the program would know that the new wife isn’t going to be anything like their real one; so you would think that they would realise well in advance that they are not going to like all the changes. Often they react angrily with cries of “not in my house!” or criticism of the new wife; even when the changes change the power balance in the family in their favour. But they react angrily, resort to passive aggression, name calling, and all sorts of techniques to buck the new system that they disapprove of. However, something magical also happens as the week progresses: they start to adjust to the new rules, and begin even working with the new wife to get their kids to follow the new rules. You see the men growing in ways I would never have expected, and starting to relate more positively towards both their new wives, and their existing children.

Some of the kids welcome the changes, like the girls who were allowed to date boys for the first time; while others do not, like the girl who loved school but was told she was going to be home-schooled from now on. “Oh come on”, I’m thinking, “it’s only for a week”; you’d think she was being banned from school for life by her reaction. Somehow, everyone in the family is eventually able to overcome their resentment towards the new rules and the new “Mom” as the week progresses, and they start to see some benefits. The kid who had to return his new video game to the store and used the money to go to the movies with his mom was excited about being able to spend more time with her. Previously, he was just zoned out in front of the video game all the time; and he had plenty of others anyway.

The final debriefing session is always interesting too. Sometimes the guys are defensive. It’s not all smooth-sailing. But the conflicts seem to get resolved in the end, and people who were at extremes of the spectrum both end up finding better balance closer towards the middle. I think I’m just not used to people facing conflict, getting all upset, calming down again and then being able to go away a better person having learned something profound from the experience. I thought people just got upset and the upset simply boiled down to fester and come back another day. Yet it’s fascinating to see wives go back to their family with a new outlook, and an even deeper love for their husband; and likewise, their husbands having greater appreciating for their wives. Somehow the emotional independence of the newcomer to the family and the rules of the show give everyone the ability to embrace changes that they would otherwise find virtually impossible; and even though there are plenty of tantrums thrown in the process, everyone seems to be able to go away both with their dignity intact, with mutual respect in place, and with remarkable growth of personal insight.

Yes, they get set up by the producers to get into conflict, but they also manage to resolve it, and it ends up making a positive difference in their real lives. And I think that’s why I love Wife Swap.