How To Look Spiritual, Even When You’re Not

Looking spiritual can be a bit of a problem if you’re an atheist. This can make it particularly hard to crack onto the cute girl with the aum tattoo on her shoulder. Simply pointing out that all that chakra stuff is bullshit generally doesn’t go down too well.

I hang around with a lot of new age spiritual types these days because they tend to be more empathic and less judgemental than your average person. Less discerning perhaps too, but I’m OK with that. I may not share their wacky belief systems but I still want to fit in.

So here’s how to look spiritual even when you’re not:

Go To Yoga

Put aside all the spiritual business for a moment: yoga is a great workout, the stretching is excellent for your body, and the guy/girl ratio is the most favourable you’re ever likely to come across. I keep a yoga mat permanently installed in my car for emergencies, and women comment on it all the time. The only time I actually go to yoga is when a woman invites me, but that happens more times than you’d think. You may still be an asshole deep down, but because you’re in a yoga class the women will think you’re a decent guy.

Talk About Energy

Forget what you learned in high school Physics and Chemistry about the different forms of energy; that science thing is far too limiting. Energy is everywhere! Energy is everything. If you have any doubts, just quote Einstein’s famous formula E = mc². That justifies describing pretty much anything as “energy”.

When you see a cute girl, don’t compliment her on her looks. Women hate that. Instead, tell her “Wow, you have a great energy!”. Try to keep a straight face while doing it and before long you’ll be mixing your kundalini with hers.

Study Tarot, Tantra, Chakras and Astrology

If you want to be able to pass for a new-age spiritualist, you need to get some basic ancient disciplines under your belt. Anything discovered in the last hundred years will leave you looking like a post-modernist, which definitely isn’t good for your spiritual image. So get down with the local wiccans, study some tarot, find yourself a tantric goddess to learn from, get your chakras aligned and find out when venus is transiting mars.

Change Your Vocabulary

A few subtle changes to your vocabulary can go a long way towards boosting your spiritual karma. It’s not as if you actually have to learn to speak Sanskrit or anything. Just try replacing these simple phrases with more enlightened equivalents:

Basically, the more esoteric euphemisms you can use, the more spiritual you’ll sound. The more spiritual you sound, the more you can get away with.

Declare Your Home An Ashram

In order to position yourself as a spiritual leader, you need to have an ashram of your own. I was really impressed to hear that Ratu Bagus of Bio Energy Shaking Meditation fame had an ashram in Bali, until a friend of mine who ended up there by a sheer freakish coincidence described it as “just a house, really”. So you only live in a unit now? It’s OK to start small with your first ashram. For extra bonus points, declare your ashram clothing optional and see how many faithful converts you can find.

Learn To Sit In Lotus Position

Never mind that you’ve been sitting in chairs since 3^rd Grade, cross-legged is the new cool when it comes to looking spiritual. Even when you are sitting on a chair, you should adopt a cross-legged sitting posture at all times so you look like you now live in a permanent state of meditation.

For extra points, learn to sit in the true lotus position where your feet are shoved right up near your armpits. This will help work out your hamstrings, and give the doctors a good laugh down in Accident and Emergency when you turn up stuck in that position. But hey, plenty of people will be laughing at you now that you’ve adopted an esoteric spiritual lifestyle so get used to it.

Wear A Flowing Robe

Finally, if you want to be taken really seriously as a spiritual guru, you just ain’t going to cut it in a suit or jeans and a T-shirt. You need to get with the program and don a flowing white robe. This gives the illusion that you’re hovering slightly about the ground as you walk, which is good for your spiritual street cred. After all, the street is generally filthy and frankly your hallowed feet are above that kind of thing now.