assertiveness

My Worst Therapy Session Ever

I’ve had a lot of therapy in my time visiting counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, life coaches and emotional healing gurus. Most of them were helpful to some degree. If I were to have my time over again, I’d get help sooner like when I was a child and the other kids at school were bullying me or when parent’s arguments were frightening me and keeping me up at night.

I’m currently studying music performance full-time at a local secondary college and the environment feels a lot like going back to school; albeit one where the subjects are a lot more fun.

Last year I found myself getting into conflict with one of the other mature-age male students. He seemed like a decent enough guy but we started butting heads over some of his behaviour that I was finding triggering. He had some personal challenges that he complained about loudly and frequently in class which I didn’t want in my face all the time as we were there to study music. “Write songs about it and use it creatively”, I thought, “But don’t just keep coming in whining about it all the time”. I also didn’t like the way he interrupted and dominated conversations I was having with other people, or the way he back-slapped and touched me. (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

A Show About Anger

I performed A Show About Anger at The Dive Bar in the King’s Cross Hotel as part of the 2018 Sydney Fringe Festival. To set the context, it started with this monologue:

I grew up in a house where anger wasn’t handled well. Let me take you back there:

Now don’t get me wrong; my Mum lets her anger flow freely. But she rarely uses the actual words: “I am angry”. Instead, her anger comes out as hurtful criticism, put-downs and emotional bullying.

Dad isn’t any better. He bottles up his anger so badly that he often seethes with resentment so loudly that I can hear him muttering to himself when I’m playing in the next room. It’s frightening.

All it takes is for Mum to walk in and say: “What’s wrong with you? You stupid creature!”

And BANG… the next round of World War 3 is back on again.

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By Graham Stoney, ago

How To Be Assertive With A Neanderthal

I was on my way to music class this morning and the peak hour train was a little more crowded than usual. As I headed downstairs to find a seat, I came across a couple of men occupying two opposite-facing three-person bench seats. I wasn’t keen on standing for a half hour while two guys occupied six seats between them, so I politely said “Excuse me” to the guy on the aisle end of backward-facing seat, and he kindly moved over to the window to accommodate me.

Closely Related Primate, Also in Genital Display Pose

As I sat in the newly vacant aisle seat, I felt constrained by the man sitting in the middle of the bench seat opposite me. He was sitting forward with his legs spread wide in the classic genital display pose that male primates evolved to demonstrate dominance to other lesser primates. So wide in fact that his left leg and knee were taking up almost half the legroom in my own individual seat.

His behaviour may have been unintentional and unconscious; but it didn’t feel good to have my newly acquired space dominated by another man’s knee.

I’m working on getting over my fear of conflict with strangers, so I thought this would be a good opportunity to be assertive with one who was overstepping my boundaries; albeit boundaries that I had just stepped into by requesting the seat.

I made eye contact with the spread-eagled man and politely asked: “Would you mind moving your leg over a little please?”

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By Graham Stoney, ago