My Worst Therapy Session Ever

I’ve had a lot of therapy in my time visiting counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, life coaches and emotional healing gurus. Most of them were helpful to some degree. If I were to have my time over again, I’d get help sooner like when I was a child and the other kids at school were bullying me or when parent’s arguments were frightening me and keeping me up at night.

I’m currently studying music performance full-time at a local secondary college and the environment feels a lot like going back to school; albeit one where the subjects are a lot more fun.

Last year I found myself getting into conflict with one of the other mature-age male students. He seemed like a decent enough guy but we started butting heads over some of his behaviour that I was finding triggering. He had some personal challenges that he complained about loudly and frequently in class which I didn’t want in my face all the time as we were there to study music. “Write songs about it and use it creatively”, I thought, “But don’t just keep coming in whining about it all the time”. I also didn’t like the way he interrupted and dominated conversations I was having with other people, or the way he back-slapped and touched me.

For me it felt like my boundaries were being violated. I pulled him aside for a man-to-man chat, asked what was going on for him, explained to him what was going on for me and asked if he would be willing to behave a little differently, at least around me. It was all very NVC and the initial conversation appeared to go fairly well. Then over time things between us started to go downhill.

At lunch one day I was having a light-hearted conversation with my other college friends when he came up and said “Why don’t you stop being such a cunt, Graham?”, then walked off.

I was rather stunned at the time and didn’t know how to respond. It didn’t feel friendly and light-hearted, it felt like an aggressive take-down and when I thought about it later I felt angry.

When talking the situation over with a good female friend of mine from college, she said:

“It looks like we’ve got an alpha-male battle going on here.”

The next day I asked him before class if we could talk. I felt myself starting to shake as my old fear of conflict came up. Nevertheless, I was there to resolve my issues and wanted to assert my boundaries so I told him “I didn’t like it yesterday when you came up to the conversation we were having and called me a cunt. I would appreciate it if you kept that sort of thing to yourself.”

He said “OK” nonchalantly and went into class.

Then it was his turn to ask me for a conversation, where he said something I don’t remember that I suspect boiled down to him not liking being told what to do. I was very nervous and getting increasingly angry sensing that he wasn’t respecting my boundaries. As my anger rose I felt myself becoming unable to think straight. Being aware that I didn’t want to say anything I would regret later, I raised my voice and just said: “Look, back off all right?”

“I don’t want to have to deal with your aggression”, he replied as he walked off.

I was happy with the outcome, although the process felt uncomfortable since I haven’t always been assertive with challenging people. That’s what it’s like whenever we’re practising a new skill: it feels uncomfortable at first. However, remaining passive around people who treat me in ways that I don’t like has never worked well for me. The situation was quite triggering for me as it tapped into some long-standing trauma around conflict and bullying, so I was experiencing a lot of anxiety.

Thinking back to my experience feeling frightened and unsupported around parental conflict and schoolyard bullying, I decided to do things differently this time around. So I booked a session with one of the counsellors in the student services unit of the college to get some empathy and support.

The counsellor I was allocated was a middle-aged female psychologist. I can’t exactly remember how our session began, but I imagine she would have asked why I was there and I would have said something like: “I’m here at college studying music performance and I find myself getting into conflict with another mature-age male student so I’d like some empathy and support please.”

She Just Kept Talking At Me

What I remember most about her response was the psychologist talking at me. I didn’t feel at all connected to her. It felt like I’d just walked into a lecture. I was clear in my mind about why I was there as I have a pretty good understanding of how traumatic childhood bullying can be, how unresolved childhood trauma gets triggered in adult life, and how to heal it when it comes up.

It is possible that I wasn’t as clear in what I said about what I was seeking as I’ve just described; but I would have thought that a psychologist would be fairly skilled at working out what a client was needing and how best to get that need met.

Instead, she just kept talking at me. I honestly can’t even remember what she said, probably because it didn’t seem relevant. I kept waiting for a chance to get a word in edge-wise. When I did speak, there wasn’t any of that Rogerian “Sounds like you feel …” reflective listening stuff coming back my way and I subsequently didn’t feel heard.

Her tone even felt critical towards me. At one point she said: “You’re not giving me very much”

To which I replied: “That’s because you keep on talking”

I proceeded to try and explain what was going on between me and the other student and why it was important to me given my past experiences to get the empathy and support I was seeking.

“He’s entitled to behave however he wants”, she said, “You can’t dictate how someone else behaves.”

I was gob-smacked. While I may not be able to demand that another person change their behaviour just to suit me, I certainly can request that they back off when I feel they are over-stepping my boundaries. If they fail to comply with my request, I can remove myself from the situation. This is basic assertiveness.

I felt like I was receiving judgment and condemnation rather than empathy and support. So much for unconditional positive regard.

“Really?”, I replied, “Let’s say I was a woman and this guy was touching me in ways that I didn’t like. Are you seriously saying that it would be OK with you?”

At this point the psychologist’s allegiance appeared to switch entirely. “He’s got no right to touch you”, she said, “You should tell him to ‘fuck off!’”

I was stunned at what I was hearing. Telling someone to “fuck off” isn’t assertive, it’s aggressive. Perhaps it would work with this guy and there certainly are some people in my life who I would like to tell to “fuck off”, but I’m pretty sure it’s not something [intlink id=”1748″ type=”post”]Marshall Rosenberg[/intlink] would have recommended if I wanted to avoid the situation escalating into violence.

By this time we were almost at the end of the session and I was feeling very frustrated. I think she was too.

“What is it that you want from me?”, the psychologist asked

“I want empathy and reassurance!”, I replied exasperated

“I don’t do empathy”, she replied blankly.

Given what I know about trauma and the universal importance of empathy in the process of any effective therapy, I was completely floored.

Perhaps she saw my mouth hanging open as she continued: “… but I have a colleague who does and I’m happy to refer you to her. It’s fine with me if you see her instead.”, as if she wanted me to be clear that switching psychologists wasn’t going to hurt her feelings. Perhaps she didn’t have any.

“What the hell are you doing working as a psychologist if you don’t do empathy?”, I thought to myself. In hindsight I wish I had said it out loud.

Empathy is the most important ingredient in any effective therapy. End of story.