Ten Clues That You’re Following The Wrong God

In ancient times, people followed lots of different gods. Nowadays, most people just follow the one… which makes it really important which one you choose. After all, your eternal destiny hangs in the balance. But there are still lots of gods to choose from, so how do you know that you’re following the right one?

God is great… there are so many to choose from!

Adults generally don’t like it when you point out to them that their god isn’t real; it’s like saying they still believe in fairies. Which may be true but tends to cause a lot of defensiveness, hostility and resentment; especially when they’ve built their whole life around following their chosen god. I think it’s better to plant the seed of curious inquiry, and let them discover the painful truth for themselves.

So here are ten clues that you’re following the wrong god:

1: His Son Said “I’ll Be Back”… But Hasn’t

Your god’s alleged “son” (whatever the heck that really means) tells his followers that he’ll be back during their lifetimes… and then doesn’t show up for the next couple of thousand years, forcing scholars to invent all sorts of theological excuses for his truant behaviour.

2: Your God’s Prophet Can’t Tolerate Being Offended

If you can’t tolerate anyone questioning your god’s prophet, then maybe your faith in his ability to fend for himself isn’t all that secure. Similarly, if his followers run riot whenever anyone suggests that he might not really be the prophet he’s cracked up to be, then maybe he’s not really the prophet he’s cracked up to be.

3: You Belong To Your God’s Chosen People

Ever wonder why your race has been persecuted so often and suffered so much? The arrogant self-aggrandizing belief “We are God’s chosen people” could be a clue. Coincidentally chosen by the same god his chosen people created. This may have been a great justification for pillaging neighbours who followed other gods early on in history, but putting yourself on a pedestal like that tends to make a lot of enemies.

4: Your God’s Highest Representative Is Elected By Humans

You’d think that a real god could come up with a better way of choosing the spiritual father of his people than having a conclave of crusty, sexually repressed old men locked in a room communicating with the rest of the world via smoke signals. Is that really the best an omnipotent deity could do to declare his wishes to humanity? Next you’ll be telling me his son’s mother was a virgin. Holy mother of Jesus!

5: Enlightenment Takes Several Lifetimes

It’s all very well for your gilded leader to attain enlightenment just by sitting out a rough night under a tree; but somehow for you it’s going to take multiple lifetimes of solitude and servitude before you reach nirvana. If life is suffering, surely just the one is enough isn’t it?

6: Cows Are Sacred

Who the heck chose the bovine species as being divine? Surely anyone who has stepped in a cow-pat can see through this bullshit. Personally, I’d rather slap a steak on a barbie than worship one while it’s still on all fours. What in Nakara were they thinking?

7: Your God Is The Centre Of The Solar System

If you’re still worshipping the sun… Aw heck, you probably can’t work out how to use this Internet thing so you’re most likely not reading this anyway. All I ask is that when you and your new age sisters have your next sky-clad summer equinox dance, you invite me to come along so I can watch.

8: You Consult The Stars For Advice

I know it’s not exactly a god; more an archaic belief system, but it’s still borne out of the same human anxiety. If you consult the stars in order to predict your future or to make life decisions… well, you’re not that different to the heaven and hell crowd. Have you considered living in the present, making your own plans for the future, and trusting yourself perhaps?

9: Your Guru Talks Sanskrit

He’s a sham, dude. Just because he’s from a different country doesn’t mean he’s divine, merely exotic. And even then, that’s only because you’re not from his country yourself. When Jesus said “A prophet isn’t honoured in his home town”, it’s because he’d cottoned on to the fact that in their home country everyone knows they’re just an average guy. That’s why the successful Indian gurus all market themselves to wealthy westerners. Besides, that’s where the money is. Shout-out to my friends in Poona.

10: Your Holy Scriptures Are Based On Science Fiction

Finally, I don’t know any more obvious give-away that your following the wrong god than if your holy scriptures were written by a science fiction writer. I mean for Xenu’s sake, what are you people thinking?